Other countries have rooms for rent by the hour. Japan does it to extremes. Lovers don’t have to put up with rickety beds and dingy surroundings. Nor do they have to worry about hidden cameras. The cameras in love hotels are not hidden. They are clearly visible and operated by handsets. You can record your memorable moments for posterity. Let’s suppose you are a student living with mum and dad in a posh part of Nara West. It’s most unlikely that your socially conscious parents will approve of you taking a girl back to your room. The neighbours might get to hear about it and that could lead to all sorts of malicious gossip.
The fleshpots of wicked Osaka are just down the road. They’re half-an-hour away on the train. You and your beloved can nip down for a harmless get together and be back before anyone knows you’ve gone. You arrive in Osaka and head for the hotel district. There are business hotels, tourist hotels and the sort of hotel you are looking for. You fancy a place that is themed with Dungeons and Dragons but your companion turns it down, saying a friend of hers had some very bad experiences there. Pirates of the Caribbean is your next choice but she doesn’t fancy making love in the rigging of a fake galleon. Her preference is for a place across the road.
You enter through a side door and are relieved to discover that the lighting is dimmed and there is no reception desk. A mechanical voice greets you and a flashing machine asks for your credit card. The prices are a bit steep and you wonder if you can get a loan from your father. You could say you need it to buy books. At any rate, you are not going to bail out now. You are with the hottest chick in town and there’s no turning back. Your companion points to a picture of a 1950s car. The price is mid-range and you hastily prod the picture before her fancy turns to something more expensive. The picture fades and a message appears saying you have successfully completed the transaction. Your credit card is returned. Lights flash on the floor and illuminated arrows guide you to your room.
A shining automobile stands on a thick shag carpet. You take a step forward and the air is filled with the sound of Elvis. You take another and the vehicle opens up. The roof lifts back and the seats unfold to form a double bed.
Condoms hang in packets from the windscreen. Your companion reaches towards them. They come in different sizes and she wants to know which to pick. You are tempted to say Jumbo but have been warned about the perils of a loose fit. Slim is the manufacturer's way of saying Small. There’s no way you are going to say Slim. That leaves Standard. Then she asks about flavour. That’s something you hadn’t thought of and you are struggling for a reply when she chooses Peppermint. Buttons on the dashboard have to be set before you begin.
There’s a selection of 1950s records. You choose Rock Around the Clock and go on to the next step. It’s worse than downloading a file from the internet. There’s always something else to be done. You set the humidity control, adjust lighting and choose a suitable gear. The overhead camera has to be positioned and you're fiddling with it when you feel a cheek on your thigh and smell peppermint. PS (1): An Australian friend claims to use love hotels because they are cheap. He reckons the down-market, no-frills joints have a better bed price than normal hotels. That’s because they don’t make money from beds but from the “massage” services they provide.
As he says, there’s no obligation to use these services. If there was, the hotels would be classed as brothels and the licensing fees would be far higher. He does admit that, on one occasion, he was turfed out of bed in the middle of the night by some heavily tattooed guys who said his time was up and he had to go. PS (2): The charming couple featured above are tanukis. They are members of the racoon family and famed for their sexual exploits. Some love hotels use them for advertising. However, don’t assume that everywhere that displays tanukis is in that sort of business. I have seen them outside teahouses, sushi bars and country inns.
